Never Being Enough

When I was an adolescent, I kept a journal. In it, I described, among many other things, what my imaginary sister, Bronwen, did. I wrote about her as a kind of therapeutic exploration, not because I actually believed in her. She was an expression of what I thought my parents wanted me to be, since it didn't seem they quite wanted me to be me.

It seemed like they wanted me to be someone perfect they had in mind, and as hard as I tried to be the absolutely perfect daughter to them at the time, it never seemed like quite enough to earn their full love and acceptance.

Has anyone else ever felt that? That you needed to be someone else to be completely loved?

Dramatizing resolving that psychology is inherent in the theme of my Gothic novel, Encore. In it, Miriam is taught by her father how to be a mime, to do ventriloquism, to imitate people. As far as just being herself, she's expected to be quiet. She's willing to nearly destroy herself to try to please him.

The Gothic trope of the doppleganger, I believe, is often related to this pattern.